A Little Dash of Cray Keeps the Zombies at Bay
by That Yaoi Boy
Summary: Sasuke & Naruto just wanted to enjoy their romantic island honeymoon in peace-oh who am I kidding, they're both batshit insane and the zombie apocalypse is a giant game to them. Follow along on their dark, crack-tastic comedy of errors as they fight for survival, fuck each other's brains out, and Sasuke gets really, really, fucking hammered. Seriously, he should be dead by now. AU


Hey everyone, just a brief foreword before I move this show along. I've had longstanding writer's block that seems to have magically broken today and this story is the result. While I would greatly appreciate some constructive reviews, please be gentle as I literally have not really written any fiction, fan or otherwise, in almost four years. That being said, I hope you enjoy whatever this crazy mess turns out to be. For anyone who is familiar with the videogame Dead Island, the setting for this story is inspired by the environments of that game. **Finally, this is indeed going to be a pretty darkly comedic YAOI story, which has a high chance of getting very sexually graphic later on, (Translation: chapter two and beyond,) so please don't read if this story that is not your cup of tea. You have been warned.**

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"Twenty-seven!" Uzumaki Naruto chirped exuberantly, swinging the metal bat in his hands so hard that the zombie he was facing had it's head taken off in an explosive shower of gore. "Awww, I think that used to be the super cute pool-boy we wanted to hook up with Sasuke." he pouted, turning to face his new husband.

Uchiha Sasuke sighed incredulously at how chipper his partner was despite the bloody zombie apocalypse unfolding around them.

"Naruto, we really need to get your head checked one of these days," he drawled, shaking his head at how damn unshakable the blond was.

"Hey! That's no way to talk to your blushing bride, you bastard! Okay yeah, so maybe something has gone horribly wrong and for some reason this whole island is suddenly infested with mindless zombies that wanna eat us, but this trip is still our honeymoon and it was expensive, damn it!"

Sasuke could only gape in stunned silence at Naruto's logic. _Maybe_ something had gone horribly wrong? If that wasn't the understatement of the century, Sasuke didn't know what was. He shook his head, pushing the thought from his mind and refocusing on more important matters.

"I need a drink...what have we got left?"

"Hmm, actually I think we're fresh out Sasuke. Or maybe I should call you Saucekay, with how hard you've been hitting the bottle," he giggled, grinning wryly at his own joke.

"WHAT?! Why is the rum gone?!" the brunette roared, his eyes bulging comically.

Naruto rolled his own eyes and disappeared into their bungalow, only to return a moment later. He tossed a half-empty bottle of spiced rum at Sasuke, who caught it deftly and cradled it lovingly, almost as if it were an infant.

"That's seriously the last bottle though baby, which means either we've gotta go scavenging or you're gonna have to stop drinking. Come to think of it, we're running low on food too...I wonder if the buffet is still open; I mean they did say it was 24 hours."

"Fuck the buffet Naruto, there is no way in hell I am sobering up for this zombie bullshit, so lets haul ass already." Sasuke commanded gruffly, waving his rum bottle like a feudal army general directing his troops to advance.

"Oh alright you bitchy lush, just let me change into something more comfortable and we'll go search for some supplies." So saying, Naruto disappeared inside again.

Sasuke stood waiting, tapping his foot impatiently while listening to the muffled sounds of Naruto argued with himself over what to wear. Finally, about 5 minutes later Naruto emerged wearing nothing but a bright orange speedo and some matching flip-flops.

Sasuke's eyes raked his husband's lean, tanned form appreciatively and he could feel his underwear starting to grow tighter at the sight. Impressively managing to shake off the not entirely unwelcome distraction, Sasuke had just one question for the blond.

"We're about to go marching off into the end of the world, risking death, dismemberment and god knows what else, and you're gonna wear _that_?"

Naruto sashayed past him, picked up his metal bat, and performed a few quick swings with it before answering, "Well yeah, of course, all of my other clothes are designer labels and I am _not_ getting blood on them. Versace is still Versace, even in the middle of a zombie apocalypse Sasuke, duh." Naruto stated seriously, as if this was the most obvious thing imaginable.

Sasuke wasn't quite sure how to respond to that one, so he decided to ignore it. "Whatever, let's just go already, I'm starting to think my own thoughts again."

"Oh fuck no, anything but that!" Naruto replied in mock horror. He skipped off down the path leading from their private cottage , humming a tune to himself and waving his bat.

Sasuke followed silently, listening acutely for any sound out of the ordinary. Unlike most people, he actually became more competent and aware whenever he was drunk, rather than being horribly impaired; something that fascinated his family, friends, and more than a few physicians to no end.

Naruto reached the broken gate at the end of the path and spun around, grinning ear-to-ear. "So... beach buffet?" he asked hopefully.

"Yeah, I guess so. The bar there didn't look very impressive compared to the main resort, but its nearby at least. I just hope no one has gotten there before us."

"Awww, it's always so cute when you're worried about stupid shit honey!" Naruto smiled, circling around behind Sasuke and pulling him into a tight embrace.

"Oi, let go of me idiot!" Sasuke protested, struggling in vain against Naruto's iron grip. The blond was thin to be sure, but that toned little body packed a lot of power.

Naruto chuckled and captured the ridge of Sasuke's left earlobe in his mouth, nibbling at it gently until he felt his husband go limp in his arms. He had long ago discovered each and every one of Sasuke's sensitive areas and was not at all shy in using them to get his way.

"After we get some food and your booze, lets come back here and have a little fun Sasuke. All this excitement today has got me feeling frisky." he whispered seductively, blowing on Sasuke's moist ear.

The captive brunette could only nod and pulled his husband into a passionate kiss, their tongues battling fiercely for dominance before they broke apart for air.

"Sure, but its my turn to top." Sasuke agreed, turning to face Naruto."

"Fine with me lover-boy, I'm more in the mood to get fucked today anyway." came the quick reply.

Without another word the pair separated and started walking down the deserted footpath towards the beach. They paused for a moment when they heard a faint scream carrying across the wind, but otherwise everything was silent save for the occasional gull crying. After a few minutes the beach buffet came into sight and it was not deserted, just as Sasuke had feared. Five zombies were wandering around the outdoor restaurant, with another two nearby chowing down on some unlucky victim.

"Well, on the bright side, I doubt they're out for happy hour." Naruto smiled reassuringly.

"Yeah, yeah, let's just get this over with." Sasuke sighed petulantly.

"Be a dear and distract a few of them for me will you?" Naruto asked, giving Sasuke a quick peck on the cheek. Without another word he trotted off towards the two zombies munching on their afternoon snack.

Sasuke supposed he should feel fear or at the very least be worried for their safety, but he just wasn't. He knew what they were both capable of and he knew they would get through this. He started jogging towards the restaurant, wincing a bit as he neared it when he heard a series of dull 'thunk' noises followed by the sickening 'smush' of a a human head being bludgeoned into paste. Well, the dinner couple was taken care of at least.

"Hey assholes!" he yelled at the mindless shambling corpses, waving furiously at the undead to attract their attention. Sure enough, just like in every zombie TV show, anime, or video-game he had ever seen, they noticed him quickly and began advancing in his direction. "Tch–this is so damn cliché," he muttered.

Out of the corner of his eye, Sasuke saw Naruto moving quietly into position behind the zombies. Just as the blond was about to rush forward, he stopped, noticing something on a nearby table and picking it up to examine excitedly. Sasuke squinted and almost fell over when he saw Naruto slurp some noodles into his mouth, a huge shit-eating grin covering his face.

"Put the fucking ramen down now Naruto, these things are coming to fucking kill me if you haven't forgotten dumbass!" he yelled, furiously.

Naruto visibly jumped in place and immediately sprang into action, rushing at the zombies from behind and proceeding to club the ever-loving shit out of them.

Sasuke stood transfixed as he watched Naruto work, his husband's graceful, yet wild form a combination of dedicated kendo practice, various sports he had played in school, and just plain old street fighting from his years as a delinquent. Within two minutes all 5 zombies were down, their heads smashed in by by the fierce blond. He hadn't even broken a sweat.

"Goddammit, that last one's skull dented my poor bat!" Naruto moaned, inspecting the large dent in the metal as he walked up.

Sasuke's eyes, meanwhile, were drawn to another weapon entirely, namely the rock hard erection currently protruding from the side of Naruto's speedo.

"Fucking sadist pervert." Sasuke deadpanned, pointing at Naruto's pulsing cock.

Naruto looked down at his own throbbing penis and blushed, sheepishly licking his lips. "I did tell you all this excitement has been making me frisky. Besides, you're not exactly one to judge, you like getting fucked in a dress!"

"THAT WAS ONE TIME WHEN I WAS SOBER!" Sasuke roared. It had been almost two years since that night and Naruto still wouldn't let him live it down. Sasuke then paused, the weight of the last ten minutes or so suddenly catching up with him. "Naruto, you know we are both really fucked up right?" he asked, puzzled that this thought had never occurred to him before.

"Oh yeah, totally fucked up. That's why we work so well together hon, your crazy and mine balance each other out perfectly. I try to just roll with it and enjoy the fun."

"Ah. Right." Sasuke concluded, nodding in agreement.

Naruto then closed the distance between them in seconds, his face darkening. "Sasuke..."

"Hn?"

"I think it's time you introduce me to that sex on the beach drink you like so much." Naruto mewled lustily, pressing his body into Sasuke, who smirked hungrily.

"Hn."

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So yeah, Sasuke is a snarky, sarcastic drunk and Naruto is an unpredictable, happy-go-lucky psychopath. What could possibly go wrong? The next chapter is just going to be graphic sex for the hell of it, so feel free to skip it if you're only here for what little plot exists. *snort*


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